The pains of being honest

March 1, 2009

The older I get, the more I realize how sensitive I am and being a sensitive person makes me realize what kind of person I want to share my life with.

C recently went on a trip to California for a week. It’s something that she has done annually since moving back to the east coast from San Francisco and I was happy for her to get a few days away from the city since she works very long hours and hardly has any time to herself. However this week has made me a complete wreck to say the least.

She was going to a town in Cali to visit her friend, a friend that she had slept with…well actually the last person she slept with before we met last May. Having it been a past lover really didn’t bug me that much, but for  some reason something was eating at me about the whole thing.

So we talked and I asked her how she felt about her friend and it was then that it was revealed that she was still attracted to her. So now here I am thinking..ok well she is going to visit and be alone with this girl that was pretty much “the one that got away” who she is still attracted too. I wasn’t sure how I felt. A part of me became insecure and self-concious and another part of me got really angry that my feelings were not considered.

I felt a loss of control within our relationship, that things were going to be the way that they were and that there was nothing I could do about it. I felt a sense of insensitivity coming from her end regarding how I felt. I was about to take a journey into ex-territory and I wasn’t ready.

Ex’s are always a tricky thing and in this case, I felt that the chapter had not closed it’s doors. It wasn’t like her other ex that she dated for 3 years that came to a close when they both grew out of one another due to life and getting older. It wasn’t the other past lovers that went there seperate ways and have found friendships. This was a girl that when spoken of, I noticed a glimmer in my girlfriend’s eye.

As the “honeymoon” phase set into the reality of dating, one must take account the differences and changes specifically the lack of tolerance that one had during the beginning stages. No longer is the feelings of “oh i’ll deal with this for now” come into play. It turns into “this doesn’t work for me and is unacceptable”. Maybe given that this is my first real relationship in a very very long time, I had forgotten how much work a relationship really is, maybe this is why maybe people that I know don’t want to be in one right now.

I have to take into account that she is with me and not this other person, I have to consider the fact that she did not sleep with this woman…who is btw beautiful, thin, tall and supermodel looking with a great personality to boot from what I hear. I have to remember that is it me that brings out her inner freak and me that she has done more things with than every person she has slept with combined. It is me that can tie her up in complicated and delicate bondage and torture her for hours as she gets wetter in anticipation of what I will do next. It’s the top and bottom dynamic that switches off to give each other incredible pleasure. It is the first time for her experiencing a tantric chakra infused orgasm that leaves her body lifeless. It is me that opened her mind and body to a whole new way of thinking. Me thinks I get at least SOME points for that one!

Trust is another issue for me that I had to battle with. I do have severe and serious trust issues and the closer one gets to me, the further apart I can be. We battled with this early one with her needs not being met because I would not share as much as she wanted me too. As time grew on, I eventually shared more and more and became a little comfortable with this aspect. I still close up from time to time and haven’t fully let go. Maybe it’s so many failed trysts before this that has left a very deep emotional scar.

After a battle was fought between the both of us regarding trust and communication, we settled on some common ground to help us move forward in the future. Though I still don’t feel like we got everything out, we did work out a few things that bothered the both of us. Although I am still angered by the lack of response that I got from her while she was out her when she promised she would be available, I have to be able to give her space when it is needed. I need to work on not being so damn needy and just being. I must realize that I have to let people be as they are and not freak out when I don’t have control over a situation. Being a perfectionistic control freak works in my art, but not necessarily my relationship. As I look over the amazing qualities that we share, I realize that there is far more amazing things about it than bad things.

Damn who knew being in a monogamous comittment relationship was so hard! whew!

Posted in Uncategorized